Saturday, February 25, 2012

God clarifies his position about Religion at last! God called me on my phone.


I had a brief phone call from heaven. God wants to issue his official statement to clarify his position about religion once and for all. Here is a MonkeySocietyblog exclusive:

I, the Almighty God, have no bitter feelings against religion. I want emphasis on that this early. I want religion to exist as long as possible. And I have reasons why:

First, though religion comes in varieties, it was really successful at UNIFYING the  people. The proof is that everyone is now unified in one mindset of genuinely screwing one another.

Each kind of religion claims the true God is in them. Then they  kill  each other over the idea. Killing became a holy passion in my name. Religion taught them so. And in cases wherein a man violated someone for personal reasons, his church taught him to just ask for forgiveness afterwards and everything will be just fine. Forgiveness of course comes in unlimited supply.

So, everyone is now spiritually configured to be in this screwing-each-other business. That's one grand consciousness happening, isn't it?  And everybody does it so naturally. At last, a kind of harmony happening all over humanity.  Therefore, there is no reason I can't say that religion did a remarkable job of bringing people together, in fact, bringing them really closer together to be easier for them to fuck one another. Excuse my word but I couldn't just say it any better than that. Religion indeed created harmony.

Second, religion KEEPS SATAN AT BAY. No, it is not that self-projecting religious people are holy and Satan is afraid going near them. The real reason is that Satan will be facing a serious rivalry from these cunning people. Bible-swearing politicians and crucifix-wearing criminals are now slowly owning Satan's iconic throne of notoriety; Self-declared pious religious leaders toiling on their followers' labors are slowly kicking Satan out of trend; Celibate religious leaders recruiting altar boys and then touching them now relegate Satan's bad-ass image back to novice level. And in one variety of religion, fanatics even detonate themselves along with  "infidels" and expecting there will be 72 virgins gloriously waiting (for sensual service) for each one of them. That's of course after their dicks and testicles have been blown-up into useless pieces. Satan will be soon a no match against these cunning humans.

Contrary to popular belief that Satan is happy having many bad guys, it is I, the Almighty God, who is the one happy having many bad guys around. I am a serious fan of bad guys. Bad guys are favorable for me. Can't you see? With many bad guys in existence, there will be a fierce competition  against Satan and he is anxious of losing his status as baddest guy to ever exists. Satan no longer holds the monopoly of bragging. Lot of people can now do a lot better than him, of course because of religion.

Religion taught everybody the art of camouflage: Religion has been an unsurpassed image-enhancer for criminals. This is critically necessary to perpetuate crimes longer. 
The longer they do it, the better. Humans have learned to be as plastic religious as possible to ward-off suspicion by neighbors of any wrongdoing. Satan is no longer alone at doing his stuff. So in a sense, religion in a subtle manner, is shattering Satan's egocentricity.  And I like religion  to continue for a long time because of that. 

Third, I DID NOT CREATE RELIGION. Neither did I set the guidelines for it nor promoted it aggressively. That is why I have no plans to curtail it this moment. It would be a grave insult to the party who have invested lots of wit, saliva and energy just to promote it and keep it running.

So I let religion to extend as long as possible. Religion is of a extremely critical role for my one last secret plan (which of course be kept secret until I decide to declassify it). Not even angels know what plan is that. Therefore, Religion must be kept alive as long as I see it fit then."
But before letting God hang-up his phone, I asked why not just send Jesus back to Earth again to sort things out the way he did it before? God's reply has never been clearer than this:
"Do you think Jesus would be excited to see people wearing crucifixes? For a one who have died being hanged on a cross, it would be an insult for him to see people proudly hanging crosses on their necks. Jesus became  cruciphobic as a result of his first mission. He was horribly traumatized when the Romans,  at the request of the Jews nailed him to a cross. 

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