Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Guilt by Orgasm: A Wanker's Confession


When I was a teenager, I used to masturbate a lot everyday. My record is seven in one day. And I did get blisters on my penis. And when I shower and begun to use the soap, oh man, that really hurt a lot. But then at every chance in every corner I can find, my hand seems to have its own brain to wank my thing. Jacking-off is often the menu of the day back then.

I was a religious kid and a devoted member of a Christian sect. Every after masturbation I would pray for forgiveness of the sin (which I was thought it is) I have just committed. Imagine it's kinda a meal prayer before every meal. In my case I got it reversed. Jack-off first then pray. But then I grew bored. No. Not on masturbation. Rather, I got bored praying. So eventually I stopped praying and got myself into a masturbation spree everyday for a long time.

Honestly I don't masturbate anymore. Well, uhhhmmmm, I just lied. I still play my own thing. But minus the pray part already and certainly not as frequent. I am already a married man.

My focus now is to tackle the pray part. What made me did the praying? The answer is SIN. Inside every Christian church, I believe, there is a crusade happening. A crusade against lust. Lust is considered as a sin and could amount a ticket to Hell if someone dies with his lustful sins.

Sexual desire is considered lust by the church leaders. And since masturbation is an exhibition of this "sin", this activity should not be tolerated in order for followers to inherit the physical place called Heavens. With the promise of inheriting the Heavens in mind of every Church member, including me, everyone must weigh in themselves what habits they would choose. One is to jack-off or not to jack-off. As for ladies, the term jack-off is not appropriate. Their thing is too delicately small. It is more of like of stroking or fingering. But everything amounts to the same habit called masturbation.


The pray part was necessary for me to wash away my sin. I was taught that way. The rule is simple. everyone must have a clean life. And at moment it can't be done, asking for forgiveness is a very important. Violating the rule will result in the automatic feeling of guilt. This guilt feeling is not a good sensation. It is like cursing the own self why it did something it believes should not have done. Guilt was the reason why I did pray every after ejaculation. I need to feel free of guilt of violating a rule of clean living. But that's before.

Sexual Desire a Sin?

Come to think of it. Why does sexual desire have to called a sin? On what axiom they based that assertion? Stealing your neighbor's wife might be obviously offensive to her husband (but glorious to her) and worth a guillotine But hey what you gonna think about while wanking? A female martian? Trying to imagine how a martian vagina looks like would be a huge problem.

Since masturbation includes only a desire, as opposed to getting a quickie with a neighbor's lady, I can't imagine why some people would think sexual desire is not as natural as desiring for food when one is hungry. Humans got to be consistent on this one.

Masturbation is a Sin?

If masturbation is a sin, that would be the biggest reason why I will never stop doing it. My short answer is NO. 

Orgasm is the feeling associated whenever the one masturbating reach the peak of the activity. That is when the mind is blank, the tongue is tied, the eyeballs are tilted in abnormal direction, the jaw is locked, and the testicle is in its most contracted state. I forgot to mention the semen shooting out. Most of these conditions appear at every peak whether in masturbation or having a partner or having a wet dream. My question would then be: At what point does orgasm is different in each of the cases? NONE. Again, humans got to be consistent on this one.

I think I have amply justified why I need no prayers to wash away my sins after masturbating. There is no sin. Besides, sin is just a concept. What I need is a clean napkin to wipe my semen off.

I Am Aware, Therefore I Exist


I Am Aware, therefore I exist. Of course these are just words. I couldn't have possibly coined them in such fashion without first learning the language. Institutionalized learning also taught me to adhere to grammatical conventions.

No other question have ever bugged me my entire life than the question WHO AM I? I have desperately tried to look for an answer for a long long time. This is the question of existence itself. And I believe there is nothing more productive in life than to contemplate on this stubborn question.

The debate about existence is superficially deep in any side you will look it from. In every manner there is no escape from the fundamental deception posited in the Fallacy of Misplaced Concreteness, wherein conceptual framework is wholly taken as real i.e. resorting to words and intellect (which are products of conventions) and then struggling to explain reality (which is wordless) using these lingual conventions.

Intellect can infinitely assign labels for anything under the sun. There are words allotted for groups, races, preferences, color, degree of pleasure and pain and so on. The intellectual database has a vast array of concepts which can be used to refer to anything. Description is indeed ample.

But the problem is that words can only tell about something. It is not the thing. Words are dual in nature. A word is exclusive for something only. The dilemma then comes when one tries to look for one grand term to refer to the Groups of all groups. What term would that be? Reality? Nothingness? Everything? God? All-encompassing? Big electron? It can't be possible. Most of what we can end up to is surrender to the fundamentally simple idea that there is no term sufficient in itself to describe the one thing we can't.

So what is next?

The answer is intriguing. To put it as honestly as I can, there is NONE. But wait. Verbally it is none. The answer being sought is not another word, not another thought, and not another concept. The answer of WHO AM I? is nothing but an intuition

The answer is so simple. There can be no other way I can do anything without first being aware. Putting in a simpler manner, I can't be in here mumbling without first waking up in the morning. If I didn't, then I am not here. Since the only vantage point that can be verifiably true is my own standpoint and though onlookers may protest they have their own too, I can only assume that they have and there is no way for me to be in their space-time location to prove it. The thing is I am just aware. Nothing more. 

Therefore, to amply satisfy the mind I am cursed to use yet another insufficient term called Awareness. Thus,

I Am Aware, Therefore I Exist or I Am Aware, Therefore I Am .

Mind is an Unending Rebuttal to Life.


Mind will cease? It will not
It will not until you rot.
Dream loving, love dreaming
But it won't come until it's done.

When it's done and sure it will
What would be left of that resounding fear?
None is seen as troublesome
As when fear is there, still undone.

But come and see the gods invite
You eat with them, partake with might.
Devour the flesh of thickened clout
Then gather the self from inside out.

Mind is an unending rebuttal to Life.
That's the Punishment.
But when seen as That.
Oh boy, that's the Paradise you've been looking for!